GRANDPARENTS

*NEW! Connecting with Grandchildren with—or without—Skype

Recently on our Yahoo group, POMs shared lots of great ideas for keeping in touch with their grandchildren. It all began with a question about how to keep from crying on Skype! In these edited excerpts, you'll find practical ideas and some very good advice.

From Bev
Skype can wonderful. My grandkids are always excited to see us. But lots of times the Internet connections are not perfect. One time I listened to my grandson's birthday celebration because the picture didn't come in well.

I am always telling my grandkids that if I cry (when they come to visit, when they go back, etc.) it is because I am happy—happy that they are coming to visit, happy they are going home to a place they love. But I also let them know I will be missing them a lot. My granddaughter and I made a fleece blanket and pillow for each of them that stay at our house. Plus, the kids each left a stuffed animal of theirs with me. Those items make a nice connection. Often the middle guy will ask me where his is and we will show it to him on Skype.
My granddaughter is 8, and she is able to e-mail. We send jokes and riddles back and forth. I have written books for my grandkids ever since they were born. They are super easy to make. Glue pictures onto paper, write some text, laminate the pages, and take them to an office-supply store to have them spiral bound! Some of mine have been specifically about the grandkids (their birthdays and visits). Some have been a story sequence of activities we did together when they were living near us (how to make meatballs with Grandpa). One was about their dad's pet when he was little.

My favorite is one that I sent over with a team right before their first visit home. I had my son e-mail me pictures of their home, their beds, what they eat, etc., and then I made the story about what they would do in the states and what they would return to. I wanted them to know what to expect on their visit but also that it was just that, a visit, and they would be returning to their home eventually.

Mother's Day can be a book called "Whose Mother Is Who?" with pictures of all the moms, grandmas, and great-grandmas in their lives and how they are all connected. The same for Father's Day, of course. I just love books. Tons of ideas, and so little time!

From Jackie
Seems like when I talk on Skype, I forget what I wanted to talk about … so busy trying to see everyone and to get my grandson to sit long enough to say something (he's an active 2). So now I try to have a list of things I want to talk about, tell them about, or ask about when I know they are going to call. Having some productive time to see and talk to them helps me not to think about what I am missing. Besides, I don't want my grandson to think that Grandma is always crying!

That being said, there are times when I get off the computer and then just have a good cry. It is hard. I wish I could tell you it gets easier, but it really doesn't. You just get used to it more. It is really hardest at holiday or celebration times, and you know they are missing the event and the memories that are being made. But you have to remember that they know they are missing out and have decided the sacrifice is worth the cause of the gospel. My crying in front of them will not change the situation, maybe only make them feel more guilty and more homesick and make them less effective on the mission field. It might make them less likely to call as often too.

So be prepared when they call. I try to stay away from phrases like, "We miss you," "We wish you were here" (they wish they were too, but they cannot be in two places at once), "You don't know what you are missing," or even the sometimes truthful statement "Everyone is here but you." While these statements may be true, they tend to make me feel sorry for myself in the situation and make my emotions come to the surface. I wait until I get off Skype and then I can think or say anything I want and cry if I need to. And then God is there ready to hold my hand and make me feel better.

From Cindy
My oldest granddaughter is almost six. Now I ask her to give me a list of books she wants me to check out from the library. She is always excited to read the books she has asked for. When she was younger, we got the same books that she has there so she could look at her pictures, because the Skype video wasn't always clear. Now she doesn't mind seeing them on Skype when they are books she has requested.

We also play games like "Hide and Seek," "Mother May I," and "Simon Says." She does magic tricks for us, shows us her new dance routines, etc. Takes a few little creative adjustments to make it work, but it's nice now that we have a laptop and wireless router. I can take the computer all through our house and even outside.

From Cindi
My grandson really took the time to talk to me recently. He said he wanted to come home now and stay at my house. I was able to direct him toward describing his new room and the things he was doing. That worked pretty good. We had sent a box, and it was full of the things they liked. My daughter said it really made her so homesick, yet the stuff was appreciated. Her husband took the boys so we could talk in private, and she had a good cry, as did I. She is my youngest, and this has been so incredibly hard. But I don't want to cry in front of the boys. They are so young and would not understand, and I want to be an encourager for them all.

From Cathie
One of the things that has helped us is to keep Skype open all day long, and then my daughter calls when the kids are making smoothies, playing in their rooms, reading a book they want to share, kicking the ball in the backyard—lots of normal, everyday activity. They call a lot when they sit to have a snack and talk with us, either with me at home or with my husband at work. So most of our grandchildren-time on Skype happens when they are at a good place, and that way it is a good time for them.

When our 4-year-old granddaughter says to me, "Honey, one of these days I want you to come to my house!" I smile and say, "I will, and the airplane will bring me," and we talk about praying for when that time will come.

From Aimee
I don't know how we POMs made it before Skype. Our Skype chats are weekly. They last for one to two hours, usually our nighttime, their morning. They call when our granddaughter wakes up; then we sit and "have breakfast" with them. I always have a list of things I want to ask or talk about; otherwise I just forget because I get caught up in the emotion of the moment and the wonder of the blessing of being able to actually see and hear them.

From Karen
I'm sure there are many POMs out there who do not have the blessing of Skype. My son, his wife, and my four grandchildren have been on the mission field for over nine years. They are in a third-world country, and when we do have Skype, it is without any video. There are times that we only have scattered e-mails, sometimes weeks apart. Over the years I have tried to come up with ideas that would connect me with my grandchildren, who were just babies when they left. When they were little, I would write them small simple books and illustrate them myself.

Two books come to my mind. I wrote one about their first furlough. I told them about shopping and eating, and meeting new people. Being in the USA would be a new experience for them. I drew the pictures. I'm not much of an artist, but it's amazing the art books you can get at the library for ideas. I did another book about fall, with real pictures of a trip to the pumpkin patch. This little book not only showed them what fall is like—they don't have seasons where they are at—but also introduced them to their cousins, my other grandchildren who live here.

Sometimes I write them fill-in-the-blank letters. I ask them questions about their life in the village. They then fill in the blanks and send them back to me. It is so fun to get letters from them. I am always amazed at their honesty, and it helps me to get to know them better and gives me a glimpse into their everyday lives. Be sure and put these in individual envelopes because they like getting their own, but it is a good idea to put all the envelopes in one big envelope to mail. That way no one is left out in case a letter gets lost or is slower.

I have written them stories about their birthdays, and what I remember about the day if I was there. If I wasn't there, I will tell them what someone who was has shared with me. Their father was a preemie, and I have written about his birth like it was a fiction story. I did not tell them until the end who I was talking about.

These kind of letters and stories allow my grandchildren to know me better, give me a chance to tell each child how special they are, and also give them stories about their family history. The books I have made with real pictures of our times together, I believe, are the ones that have helped them to remember who I am. Document any time spent with them with lots of pictures. Both of you will treasure them. Sometimes when I am my saddest I get out my pictures. They make me laugh or cry, but always make me feel better.

Grandloving.com
We haven't read the book yet, but we're impressed with all the tips on this site. http://www.grandloving.com/index.html

Want to use technology to stay connected to faraway grandkids? A little uncertain about how to do that? A new blog has come to the rescue—Grandparents TLC. TLC stands for Technology to help Loving grandparents Connect with grandchildren. Lots of easy-to-understand how-to and encouragement for grandparents here. Especially check out the October 2, 2009, post by Shayne Packer, "Three steps to get grandparents online." Share it with someone younger and ask them to help you get online with your grandchildren!

Grandparents.com offers helpful articles, forums, activities, and a newsletter. There's always something new to learn here.

Now you can record stories, songs, letters, or jokes over the phone and have them sent free of charge to your grandchildren's e-mail address. Grandkids can hear your voice whenever they want! Check out StoryTeller now.

Your call to record will show up on your long-distance bill at your normal rates, but that's your only cost. The sound quality seemed very good. Give this a try!

Here's a new way to stay connected—build a family tree online. We heard about Geni.com from Doug Lucas in Brigada Today. He wrote: "It's a site where you can ‘narrow the gap between grandparents and grandkids, homeland and continents.' Simple and easy to use, you just log on and start building your family tree. Only members of your family can ‘talk' to you (though outsiders can ‘see' that you're a part of a family chain). The service pledges that your e-mail address is a safe secret. (‘Never spammed, never shared': I like it.) The best part of all? It's completely free—and highly recommended by Time Magazine, PC Magazine, and CNET."

The book Third-Culture Kids: The Experience of Growing Up Among Worlds, by Dave Pollock and Ruth Van Reken (Nicholas Brealey Publishing, 2001), is recommended for POMs with grandchildren, helping you to understand the distinctive experience of growing up as an MK (missionary kid) and TCK (Third-Culture Kid). The book is available on amazon.com.

The December 2005 issue of the Peter's Wife newsletter is all about grandmothering long-distance. Peter's Wife is written for women who are serving cross-culturally overseas, so the tips in this newsletter are from missionaries who are grandparents and are separated from their grandchildren. POMs will find, however, that the ideas and insights will work for them as well. Find the newsletter at http://www.peterswife.org/PWArchive.php?Show=Grandmothering

Bonding with grandchildren is important and pays big dividends. http://www.cyberparent.com/gran/bondgrandchildren.htm

An excellent article on using creativity and ingenuity to stay emotionally close http://www.grandparenting.org/long-distance,htm.htm

More good ideas for staying in touch
http://retirementwithapurpose.com/grandparenting/

See how a British grandfather stationed in India during World War I stayed in touch with his grandchildren. http://www.ultimategrandparent.com

Become the star of your own transoceanic audio recordings. http://familyfun.go.com/parenting/child/skills/feature/famf199611_grandma/famf199611_grandma10.html

The website of OMF International offers "How to Pray" guides you can use to pray for your missionary and for your grandchildren overseas (MKs/TCKs). Access the guides at http://www.omf.org/omf/us/resources__1/prayer_resources/how_to_pray_for_mks_tcks